im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
