the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
