Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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