remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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