16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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