what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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