but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
