my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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