she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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