It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
