That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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