Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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