i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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