if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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