No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
