Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
