found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
