it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize