Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
