Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
