I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
