Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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