If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just found a bag of teeth...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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