That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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