honey bunches of taint.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
