i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
