Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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