I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
