Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
