3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
