I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
