Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
A bitchslap is in order.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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