Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
