well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
