I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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