So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
