My cat gives me a boner
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
