there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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