normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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