Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
