I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
