Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
