I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
