omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
