glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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