Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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