My liver just broke up with me...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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