im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
