any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
should my penis look like a turkey
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
