I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
