Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
