I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
