Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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