The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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