I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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