The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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